When you say “She is Just not that into me”- I know why ;)


My friend was all geared for his First Date with his “special someone”.  His preparations started a week before and on the BIG DAY … ,I see him sporting an Arrow Shirt and LP Trousers and as if they weren’t impressive enough an hour before the fixed time he mercilessly swiped for  Bellucci Shoes and a Rayban Sunglass [for a dinner date .. ! how thoughtful mate !] No wonder he showered much more on her that night and came home pretty happy. That night I asked him, “Mate..  which part of spending so much made you happy tonight ?” . His reply gave me a greater insight on something big and the reason for this post is precisely to share the same .

He said, “ Buddy its not an expenditure , it’s an investment , the fact that am an economically viable candidate for her has been conveyed and now I just got to wait till she makes the next move and it’s a cakewalk from then”

Found it a bit reasonable so just nodded . A month passed and when I saw the Bellucci shoes on the shoe rack again I asked him how was it going with her.. did they meet again?

He sulked and replied, “She never called buddy, and she is just not that into me I guess… I spent like crazy, even when she insisted on paying I didn’t let her . I was very careful that she develops a very good opinion on me. Don’t know what went wrong “

And that’s exactly where he kind of messed things up. This may be counter-intuitive, but it stands to reason. Someone who gives to you has invested, committed, and devoted resources to you as a recipient of their giving. They have incurred “sunk costs” 😉 . Therefore, they may be more committed and attached when they give (and you take), versus when they receive from you. The very reason why my friend was awaiting a response was because he had incurred a “sunk cost” and his “special someone” lacked such a hook to hold on.

Known as the Ben Franklin Effect, it is the phenomenon where people like others more when they do a favor for them. That is, when the OTHER PERSON does a favor for you, THEY like you more. So, forget about buying them the drink as an opener…and ask for one instead 😀 !

Your Date’s Initial Opinion Really Doesn’t Matter

I have my reasons to say so. People often worry about what their potential dating partners think and feel. They believe that prospective lovers form strong opinions of them and make choices based on those attitudes. So, they often work hard to get their partner to “like” them up front and become attracted , hoping that preference will translate into a relationship. But, the world frequently doesn’t work that way. Initial opinion often matters less than initial compliance.

Which means, rather than choosing what they like – most people end up just liking whatever they choose . That is , persuasion and influence leads…while preference and opinion change follows to match.

It might not sound that appealing but there had been researches on this :

Johansson and associates (2005) pulled a sneaky trick on research participants. They first asked men and women to choose between presented pairs of faces on the basis of attractiveness. The participants then were handed the chosen photo and asked to describe why that person was more attractive. But, on some trials, a switch was made. The participants were actually handed the photo that they DIDN’T choose.

Participants barely noticed when a switch was made. Essentially, they couldn’t tell the difference between who they chose and didn’t. Furthermore, they described the attractiveness of all photos handed to them with equal emotionality, specificity, and certainty. In other words, after they had a photo in their hands, they found that person more attractive (even if they didn’t really “choose” that person to begin with). Overall, they ended up “liking who they got”. The researchers call this “choice blindness”.

What This Means for Your Love Life?

Don’t worry whether others find you attractive at first. Instead, focus on just getting them to choose you in some small ways. It doesn’t matter whether they initially show up for coffee because you’re gorgeous…or because they love cappuccino. It only matters that they show up. So, concentrate on getting that early yes, by any (scrupulous) means necessary  😛 . Their attraction, liking, and positive attitudes will naturally follow afterwards J

This idea is often a “freeing” concept for many people. Too often, people get tangled up in concerns about what others initially think of them – especially in dating. They get frozen, believing the worst is true. When, in reality, others’ early opinions don’t influence their decisions that much and easily change. Most likely, they really don’t have a strong opinion about you to start – until they make a choice or two. Why let that choice be arbitrary? Work things on your favor when your scope is quite broad J

To Close:

  1. Don’t worry whether others find you attractive at first. Just get them to say the first yes and they would eventually start liking you provided you make the right moves
  2. Don’t be a Martyr :

Say yes to gifts and favors – Many individuals refuse gifts and favors, while they simultaneously toil away to      impress their partner. They expect that their selflessness (all giving, no taking) will result in gratitude, attraction, and love. Instead, they sometimes find their partners un-invested and uncommitted

3. Always remember, What you don’t say matters too. It also changes throughout the course of an interaction. Stay     calm and lean back in the beginning to persuade your partner that you are safe, trustworthy, and likable. Lean in and get more energetic once you’ve earned their trust, to motivate them to become excited about the prospect of seeing you again.

CAUTION:

This is not a license to be self-centered or stingy (those will ruin a date too). Rather, it is a reminder to keep a bit of equal exchange and let your date invest in the process as well. Ultimately, it is ok to give others the gift of feeling good (by letting them give to you). After all, you’re worth the investment too 😉

 By

Ram~Knight 4ever

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7 thoughts on “When you say “She is Just not that into me”- I know why ;)

  1. Wonderfully described the agony of prospective relationships..!
    Again it is one of the interesting write up you often come up with. And know what, relationships, emotions and all those mushy feelings find an instant connect esp with gals and make ur blog all the more readable…
    To start with, as always , perfect choice of picture to attract readers & support the write up. Liked hw u developed the entire concept, making the readers think is relationship an expenditure or an investment. The conecpt of sunk cost was very well described. Who thought it can be this financial cost could be understand in this manner too…Towards the close, liked teh advices u gave….all seemed practical at the same time Humourous. Overall a very wonderful Writeup…..Just at times , i don`t get some of the scientific facts 😛 :P…Have mercy on ur readers :D…..Keep the good work Going 🙂

    Komal

    • Thanks Komal 🙂 Yeah i do know that few scientific facts are kinda hard for few to digest… Unfortunately they are an integral part of me and they happen to reflect on my write up .. cant help 🙂

      N yeah.. “finding Instant Connect esp with girls” part .. ermmm.. ahem… 😉

  2. Hi Jenny here, your advice that ”the man doesnt have to pay always on a first date” does really work!! I followed this advice after Ranj told me about it and Im sure she’ll tell you the rest of the details!! Thanks for your article, was insightful and amazing 🙂

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